lost in the twists of fate

How i miss thee...

2011-07-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Talking animatedly to my mother at home today, it took a while for her weird looks to make me realize that I was dancing circles around her. The culprit was a tennis ball I had found lying around, and unbeknown to me, I had started dribbling(not the nasty kind). Sidestepping the furniture with deft in-steps and out-steps, playing an imaginative 1-2 pass with the wall to outfox the solid defense of the coffee table's legs and faking a shot on goal to fool the chair before finally neatly stepping away from the flummoxed four-legged defender to unleash a trademark left footer into the far right top corner.. sigh.. i miss football...

Its been exactly four months since I broke my ankle in that fateful match, and I havent still stepped onto the football field. The ankle has healed pretty well, but still the weakness is hard not to miss. Whether the ankle is ready or not, the heart yearns to get back on to the field.. Aaaahh.. the joys of football.. the thrill of outthinking the opponent.. the rush of adrenalin at the sight of a goal chance.. the feeling of pure and utter freedom when u beat the opponent for sheer pace as you race ahead with the ball on the counter attack.. the sense of oneness of purpose and the true and complete understanding with your teammate that makes the perfect pass.. the indescribable warmth of pure joy that washes over you when u see the net bulge with the power of your shot.. the split second heart stopping moment just after taking a shot on goal when time seems to stand still as 22 eyes bore into the ball willing it with all their might to move an inch here or an inch there... the sense of camaraderie in the team huddle.. the bitter lead-heavy disappointment of a missed chance.. the heartbreak of an undeserved loss.. .. the sheer tears of joy after a hard earned win...the gentle ache of tired muscles after a great game.. the biting smell of the muscle relaxant sprays which shrouds the team bunker at half time.. the unforgiving remorse that a goal which you missed could have won your team the match.. the unimaginable ecstasy of a come-from-behind-victory.. aaaahhh.. how i miss them all!

the sheer joy of winning the ball from an opponent with a hard tackle and having it at my feet with the opponent half lying invitingly ahead as the wingers stream ahead along the flanks and the midfielders quickly get into position for tat pass that would launch the attack.. If only you could freeze time in that one instant, that just might be the most focused you will ever find me..and one of the happiest too..

The trouble with dreams...

2011-07-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Its been just one day into the 30 day challenge, but I am already enjoying it immensely. Got in touch with Ay, AMC, J, AC, An and a senior whom I havent spoken to in four years ( i know that is slightly more than one, but who cares! ). And the best part is, he got in touch with me after reading about the challenge :) Today was great...there's something about catching up with old friends that seems to just life your spirits up.. which takes you to that special warm place where snapshots of the days gone by and the fun you had seem to swim in front of you for a while..its a strange but great feeling..Is it just me or do memories seem to be stored in the mind mostly in the form of pictures? Maybe its the overkill of pictures everywhere thanks to the digital camera, but when I look back at my past now, it seems to flash in my minds eye in the form of pictures, snapshots of life, love, laughter and tears. And the harder I think about it, the more they seem to fly about in a choreographed slideshow of frozen action scenes...The mind sure is a weird and wonderful thing...

I ve always wondered at its intricacies.. like, for instance, the way it concocts this elaborate and intricate web of reality and fools itself into believing in its validity when we dream.. The mental picture of one part of the brain (responsible for engineering this remarkable deception) rolling around in laughter watching the other part trying to make sense and survive in the illusion that it created is both wacky, and deeply disturbing.

And another thing about dreams... ever wondered how tat alarm bell or shake or fall that woke u up got so intricately and seamlessly woven into the plot of the dream? Classical dream theorists such as Nolan would suggest that its just the sub conscious adjusting to external stimuli but what if the explanation is not tat simple? What if, our mind actually can work backward in time while creating its version of reality? What if, the whole dream started with the stimuli that woke you up and worked backwards into the story in reverse time? Is there any reason that the unidirectional nature of time followed by the physical world should be extended into the metaphysical? Maybe that is the reason why the story seems so smooth..so continuous.. And if by a huge stretch of imagination, we could in fact assume that this is true, what great ramifications this could have in our understanding or realisation of our ignorance in the way our mind processes information and constructs solutions? Could this ability to engineer a version of reality be harnessed to affect some tangible physical process? There are no end to these questions.. its the answers that are hard to come by... What do you think?

Maybe its the pitter patter of the rain outside my window or the increasingly complex dreams that I have been having, but my mind is abuzz with many more ramblings but I guess I better stop for now... cos I know when I close my laptop and sink into my inviting bed, a whole new world awaits me... and its an intellectual and creative adventure which I am loving :)

P.S: Thanks An, for all the motivation and quite undeserved praise. I was both flattered and shamed into posting today by you :D

the 30 day challenge

2011-07-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

Keeping with my routine of eating, sleeping, cracked.com, web comics, watching tv shows and a little of cooking and cleaning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself on my fav site after a long long time - ted.com. Found this great idea on TED.. do check it out http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html . The simplicity of the whole idea struck me. Take something u always wanted to do and challenge yourself to do it for 30 days. Simple as that. It can be as small as reading the newspaper everyday or blogging everyday or as big as volunteering at a local NGO or learning a new instrument. It can be both an experiment of your will power and an exercise for it. Also, you get to have great fun and at the end of it, can look back in satisfaction :) tat got me thinking.. I am never gonna be as vetti (free) as I am right now..so y not? Being the procrastinator I am ( right M ?) , I decided to start off light.. Heres the plan so far:

1. Get in touch with one old( or relatively new) friend everyday.

2. Nah.. dont wanna jinx this one.. but its big.. hope I do well enough to tell u i did it after 30 days :)

so wats your plan?

Scary?Exciting?

2011-07-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

Lately , I have been vegetating(for want of a better word) in this state of languorous idleness. I feel like I am floating in this stupor of domestic comfort, curling up in the warmth of the last days of vacation before I embark on what's going to be the single biggest adventure of my young life. The last few years have been a roller coaster ride and I must say I have come out with a smile at the end of it, although the stomach still churns at the twists and turns. And as I stand now and look at myself, I cant help but feel that this is it... this is the prime of my life.. i am never gonna be as healthy, as energetic, as sharp and as driven as I am right now, right here...and that, my friends, is a scary thought, dont u think? to think that you've reaching the point in life, which for most people, is the defining edge, the junction where we have all these numerous roads branching out and the weighty decision of choosing among them hanging over us. And (again for most of us ), its that one road that will matter more than anything else you might do in your lives. All those childhood beliefs that we can be what we wanna be and anything is possible - this is it. In all likelihood, you will be doing what you choose to do now, for the rest of your life. Its this single decision that will most probably define your lives, your future, the people you will meet and the experiences that you will have. Scary? Indeed. But exciting? Yes.

And as I choose my road and brush the dust off my shoes and get ready to move on, I hope I will one day look back at this decision and reminisce at the wonderful journey that it had brought me on. On the other hand, as A says, maybe its about making the journey that you choose wonderful rather than mulling over it too much at the junction. Anyway, its great to be here... to be young.. to be strong.. to be driven..to be alive..and kicking :)

its time..

2011-04-30T03:28:00.000-07:00

As my four and half eventful years at Allahabad as an undergraduate student draw to a close, I cant help but let the mind wander at the events and people, which and who have profoundly affected me and changed me into what I am today. This one goes out to each of you.. This is not an attempt at viewing my life here through rose-tinted glasses while riding the sentimental wave which seems to be gushing around me in these last few days... This is a honest recap or recollection - a diary keeping, i might say, of the past four and half years for my own remembrance in the years to come.. So if you are just here for browsing my blog, please skip ahead, this one might get a bit boring and self indulgent.. and ya, you might not like wat you read here.. yeah.. this one’s not for you, its for me..

The seven people who have had the biggest impact on my life here (in no particular order) :

1. Jegan : By far, my closest friend here..and the person who knows me best here.. we've had our moments, ups and downs, fights and makeups, arguments and discussions, its all been there... i ll be honest.. there have been times when I felt you werent thr for me at some critical moments, but apart from these exceptions, you have been a friend I could count on... second yr comb study sessions, the copter tournaments, the discussions about life and love, the time u got chickenpox, the cricket sessions, your relationships, your frequent visits to your fav place, the horror movies, the knock at 4 am tat night, the 2.5 men and himym sessions, the delhi trip, your anger management therapy, meeting tat gay couple on the train, your obsession for eggs - so many memories.. you made life so much easier for me da.and am thankful for that.. u're of the very few ppl i am confident that I will still be in touch 5-10 yrs down the lane...

2.Vishnu : I guess you are the person I am most indebted to here in this coll.. You opened your doors and welcomed me at a very diff time for me when I could not get a room when I came back from the medical break in first year.. And although your smoking drove me nuts and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why you were wasting your skills and talents, I have to admit that I learnt so much from you and you made a difficult transition a lot easier for me... and thanks for introducing me to malayalam music man.. its a love affair which is still going strong..The philosophy discussions, the music sessions, the pothu kada trips.. I wish I had been a better friend man.. I wish I could have influenced you more than I did.. but anyway, I hope wherever you are now, you do well.. and thanks da.. thanks a lot..

3. Mitesh : Admittedly among all the people in this list, you are the person I have interacted least with and spent the minimum amount of time with.. but theres something about you which I could really connect to at a level which I have not been able to with all the others.. your frank innocence, your amazing sincerity in what you do..your patience, these have all amazed me.. but again, i think you are sometimes too easy going, sometimes u let people take advantage of you.. but you have been one of the most interesting people I have met in this college and its been a real pleasure working with you on the many projects - the manpur trip, the scheider projects, the ge edison challenge, TTH, Enter DA and so many such ones.. and ya, u think way too high of me.. u really need to get some perspective man.. its been an honor and pleasure knowing you..keep writing.. don’t ever let the poet in you die..

4. Sharan : We've blown hot and cold so many times I 've stopped counting.. once again, am deeply indebted to you for making tat critical transition when I lost an year so much easier.. there have been times when I felt left out, when I felt deserted even, but I guess that was as much my fault as yours.. but more than anything, thanks for being this awesome listener and caring friend.. you have this tendency to repel people away by using your remarkable capacity for pjs and irritating talks and mannerisms as a shield.. but once ppl break tat shield, they get to c the real u and i guess i am one of the vey few ppl in this coll who got tat far.. i just wish u cud let your guard down more with others too.. the EA cricket sessions are just unforgettable da.,. cant believe we used to get so damn worked up and serious about 2 rs or 5 rs.. lol.. those were just amazing.. and the verbal disputes and arguments.. it was fun being with u da! you ve been having an amazing run of bad luck the last few years and i am deeply sorry for wat u have had to go through, and I also deeply respect you for the way u've handled things.. u'r a special guy da!

5. Ashish Sethi : Through my four years, I have been close to many people.. and many more times than I am proud of, I have been disappointed that my judgment about them had come out wrong.. you are one person where I was amazingly right when I thought you were gonna be a true friend.. frankly, I've been pissed at you a couple of times man.. when inexplicably you had stood behind wat u thought was right.. but the usool jokes aside, this is one of the things which I respect most in you - the ability and self confidence to stand by what u believe in.. something I very sorely lack..And the fact that despite all that, you had the heart to mend things immediately after those small misunderstandings even though most of the time it was my fault speaks volumes.. you are simple, straight forward and sincere in your friendship - and that is such a refreshing change.. you are one of the people I ve gotten closest to in this college.. and will remain closest to.. one person with whom I had the freedom to drop by any time of the day or night and have a chat with when i was feeling down.. I just love the way you keep ur room door open almost all the time man.. tat really means a lot :)

6. Anshul MP : An unforgettable character.. although I don’t know you as closely as I would have liked to, mainly because of your of-so-busy-life, you have been a big part of my college experience.. Although people rave about your creative talents, the thing about you that I respect and admire most is not tat! Granted, you are one of the most creative guys around, but there are others equally creative or even a bit more.. But wat i admire most in you is your work ethic - the way you go about implementing your creative ideas and urges.. Thats one thing I wish i could learn from you.. Despite all the "tharki" jokes, I do agree that you draw the line where it should be drawn. Forgive my insinuations, cos my condition is different from yours and I keep forgetting that my lines are not yours. I have clicked creatively with you. You understand my ideas better than anyone else, and you ve always been supportive and motivating. In a place which I found remarkably devoid of creative breadth, you were a refreshing example of creative depth.

7.Paonta : Time and again, I thought I had you figured and time and again, I have been wrong. Inscrutable is the word that pops to my mind.. whatever be it, you were the person because of whom I entered into the circle of friends many of whom I am closest to today, and I can never thank you enough for that. Although we have drifted apart slowly the past year, you have been a great influence on my life here for the past two years. You are exceedingly sharp and it was both a challenge and a pleasure studying with you especially in third year.. you are one of a kind!

It has been a journey of heartbreaks and triumphs, disappointments and exultations, joy and sorrow, all rolled into one. But looking back, some defining moments of my college experience would have to be :

1. My proudest moment : Winning the best director and best actor award in culrav 2k6...battling against odds to host the first english play ever in the history of mnnit.. and winning the prize beyond all expectations.. the standing ovation i received after the climax performance would undoubtedly remain one of the most cherished memories of my life.

2. My darkest hour : March 2k7, back at chennai ..Knowing that I might never get to see my friends at coll and tell them a proper goodbye..

3. Happiest moments : the gre experience, the onmobile one, the UCI admit, the UCSD admit, Sethi getting placed, the naini trip, my first goal for mnnit, the shimla trip, so many..

4. Most regretted moment : Taking the high road and backing out of the football captaincy issue back in third year and losing it out because of politics..

I guess the time has come to call it a day.. thank you guys... Its been one hell of a ride.. and its been a honor and pleasure travelling with you all..

lost...

2010-11-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

What have u come to be?! where once there was a bright eyed youngster with dreams, hopes and aspirations, now all i see is an empty shell of a human being whose dull eyes seem to hold nothing more than the vacant stare of a man who has no goal to aspire for. Where once conviction, purpose and ideals rang deep and sound in tat voice and speech, all i hear now are hollow words, the echoes resounding in the emptiness the words vainly strive to veil.

How long has it been since u did, anything that would have raised an appreciative brow from a fellow human being, from the few people who seem to look up to u, who still think that u are worth more to this world that a piece of stone or a glass of water. How long has it been that you have let those creative juices flow, did something worthwhile which could have withstood critical review as something notable which millions of others in the world could not have created ?

How long has it been that u have dared to look within yourself, too afraid to see what you might find? how long has it been that u have done something , purely for pleasure, either for your own or for someone elses, untainted by worry, just u and the deed and the feeling of satisfaction or pleasure that u had so loved?

Football doesnt seem to be what it once was, and u , no longer the player u once were. I seem to have hit a creative roadblock - be it in Football, or writing? how long has it been that the "idea" has been brewing in ur mind, entrapped in your vicious laziness, for want of a better word, slowly decaying in the sepulchural gloom of your swampy mind?

u seem to have gone wrong along the way.. gone terribly wrong. u now are beginning to no longer be able to trust the choices that u make, the principles u once thought u might have had? u are lost...and lonely... and sad...

its been a while...

2010-06-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

Its been a while... a while, since many things.. a while since i ve felt the adrenaline rush of a victory hard fought, a while since I ve laughed till my sides hurt, a while since I ve felt the pangs of grief so deep that I feel the leaden weight that settles on the soul.. a while since I ve seen, heard or felt something so beautiful that it seems to touch a part of me deeper than I knew existed.. and more importantly, its been a while.. a while, since I truly felt inspired, a while since I truly felt alive..it sure has been a while..

The past few weeks have flowed by in a lazy stupor of comfort and languidness. I miss the cold touch of the wall against my back, the rush of pride in rising up to a challenge, the sweetly sour taste of tears of joy. I miss the dull ache of my legs after a grueling football match, the sight of the bulging net after I score. I miss the thrill of setting foot on unexplored territory, the joy in meeting new people. I miss the creative fulfillment of writing, the fun of film-making; I miss the power of new ideas, the strength of old ones; I miss him, I miss her, I miss you.

These days were fun, a cosy interlude in a confused life. But today I feel, the confusion is what makes me who I am, the motley of interests are what keeps me alive. Albeit a little confused, but alive.

Its time. Its time.. to wake up.

Letter to the Me, ten years down the lane

2010-04-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ten years down the line, when I read this post, I want myself to be able to say "yes" to each one of these:

I should :
1. Still be in shape. Not even a hint of a belly!
2.Still be playing football regularly.
3.Travelling to a new country once every two years.
4.Taking a trip every two months.
5.Keeping at least one day per week for doing something I love, other than my work.
6.Be involved in socially responsible activities.
7.Still be blogging/writing regularly.
8.Still be in touch with old school and college friends.
9.Should have done scuba diving at least once.
10.Should have gone on a safri in Africa.
11.Should have done skydiving at least once.
12.Be taking up football coaching at least at school or community level.
13.Be settled in India.
14.Should have riden a motorcycle at more than 300 kmph.
15.Should be reading at least one book per month for pleasure.
16.Should ensure my children learn at least four to five languages( if i have them by then and they can learn by then :P ).
17.Should have seen a Bengal tiger in close quarters in the jungle at least once.
18.Should have camped a night in the depths of the jungle.
19.Should be active in wildlife photography.
20.Should still be taking steps rather than a lift to the office.

Inspired

2010-04-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

I love getting inspired. I love the goosebumps I get when I read about or watch a movie on inspiring true stories and amazing people. I see in them everything I want to be and everything I wish I was. Their courage and determination make me feel alive. They renew the hope in me that anything is indeed possible. When life tends to fall into its mundane monotony, all I need is to open my laptop or browse through a book and at the end of it, I feel energised, I feel alive again. It gives me the strength to go through the drudgery of everyday life, knowing that there is always the promise of great things in the horizon.

Proud to be an MNNIT-ian at last!

2010-03-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

I feel happy. I feel satisfied. I feel that warmth in the stomach which you feel when you know your efforts have been rewarded, your sacrifices have borne fruits.

The atrocious acts committed by two faculty members on students woke MNNIT from its stupor and it roared in unison for justice in a long battle that not only tested our limits but brought out the best from all of us. For the uninitiated, this was what happened:

Some students ( boys and girls ) had planned to go on a picnic to celebrate their victory in the recently concluded cultural fest. While boarding the bus during the the morning of March 21st,2010, they were "spotted" by the hostel guards and the warden was "informed'. The warden promptly arrived on the scene and confronted the group and proceeded to abuse them and reprimand them for not taking "permission" for the trip which was to a place nearby and wasnt an overnight trip or anything ( are we in KG for god's sakes?! ). Not being satisfied, he proceeds to drag the boys by force into the hostel were he then locks them up in a room and assaults them with whatever he can get his hands on including slippers. After the brutal assault, he detains the girls for a long time and calls up their parents to inform them that their daughter has become a prostitute! The boys' parents are next in line and are informed that their wards have been caught in a sex racket! ( nice imagination, I should say ).

More details can be found at http://www.nitstandsup.blogspot.com/

Hearing about this mindless attack, the college proceeded to protest in unison and an enormous crowd gathered from sunday afternoon at the deputy director's residence demanding the resignation and public apology from the guilty parties. The arrival of the police and media soon followed. Though several halfhearted attempts and veiled threats were made from the officials, the crowd refused to budge till justice was served. In the scorching sun, about thousand five hundred of us stood, the fire in our hearts burning stronger than the raging sun. Thus began an all night vigil which saw the students spend the night in the road. During this course, several officials including the Director's wife came forward with an apology "on behalf" of the thick skinned individuals who did not have the decency to face up to their actions but preferred to hide behind closed doors.

With dawn came no reuction in the resoluteness of the students and they held firm. The shifting of the protest from the residential colony to the main building was the only change as the officials remained firm and refused to meet any of the students' demands.

In the unrelenting sun, surrounded by RAF police armed with guns and tear gas canisters, the student soldiered on for justice. Food was arranged from various sources and distributed to the starving masses, who did not even break for food. Meeting after meeting was held, but with no result. The officials pleaded and threatened, all to no avail. The guilty professors remained steadfast in their decision to not apologise despite overwhelming damning evidence of their misdemeanor. The most the officials could concede was an assurance that a committee would be set up and the incident investigated. But after four years in MNNIT we all knew how long that would take. We demanded some immediate action and an apology while the committee was formed and the investigation done.

Finally, buckling under the enormous pressure, the committee was hastilty formed and the growing mass of students were invited to the main auditorium for a meeting. And finally twenty eight hours later,the first step towards justice was taken. All three of the guilty faculty members were advised to resign from their respective posts of Chief warden, Warden and President-SAC. And an assurance was given that the committee would submit its report of the investigation within a week. It was a small but significant victory in the path to justice.

Throughout the twenty eight long arduous hrs of the protest, the whole student community, from not just all over India, but all over the world stood hand in hand fighting for justice for people, most of them did not even know. Girls broke out of locked gates of their hostel to participate in the protest against the inhuman atrocity committed against their brothers and sisters. threats of dire consequences moved not a soul as all stood firm.

And most of all, most importantly, not one act of violence resulted. Not one abuse was hurled against the professors. The students shamed the faculty with their exemplary behavior and conduct throughout the protest. crowd of 1500-2000 odd enraged frustrated students and not even one small act of violence and abusing is indeed amazing. And it is for this, more than anything else, that I am proud of having been one among them. Today will go down in MNNIT history as the day when the students stood up for themselves, the day when justice was served, the day when the power of unity overwhelmed everything else. But more importantly, today will go down as the day when the students "taught" their teachers a thing or two about the power of peace.

Kudos to every one of us there, to the exceptional leadership shown by the student leaders and the admirable handling of the situation by the review committee.

At last, after four years, I finally feel proud to be an MNNIT-ian.

கண்ணாடி ( Mirror )

2010-02-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while sitting in class, I got this sudden urge to see how good I was in writing in tamil, a language which I ve been talking since my childhood but am pretty bad at, according to my tamil friends. This was the result... ( I have translated it as well as i can in english at the end, but I guess as they say, a translation can never capture the original)

அவள் கண்களின் ஓரத்தில் ஒரு கண்ணீர் துளி தேங்கியது. கல்லூரிச் சாலையில் நடந்து போகவே அவள் தான்அறியாமலே மனதின் விசித்ரமான சாலைகளிலிருந்து வழிமாரி ஒரு ஆபத்தான சந்தில் நுழைந்துவிட்டாள் .
கண்ணீர்துளியிடம் அவள் போராடினாள். துளும்பி நிற்கும் கண்களை யாரும் பார்க்க குடாதென்று அவள் பார்வையை கீழே வைத்து நடந்தாள். சாலை மாணவர்களால் நிறைந்து இருந்தது. அவற் கூட்டம் கூட்டமாக போகும் காட்சி அவள் தனிமையின் ஆறாத புண்ணில் குத்தியது. அவள் இன்னும் வேகமாக நடந்தாள். எதோ அவள் வேகத்தில் தன வேதனைகளை இழந்து விட முடியும்போல். மனதின் லத்சியமில்லாமல் தன் கால்கள் போகும் வழியே அவள் சென்றாள்.
தானரியமலேயே கல்லூரி அருகில் இருக்கும் குளத்தில் அவள் வந்திருந்தாள். அதே இடத்தில் அவனிடம் சிரித்த சிரிப்புகளும் செய்த குறும்பகளும் அவளே வாட்டியது. அருகில் இருக்கும் மரங்களில் இருந்து ஒரு கிளி கூட பாடவில்லை.
காற்றில்லா அம்மலையில் ஒரு இலை கூட நகரவில்லை.
குளத்தில் தண்ணீர் ஒரு பெரும் கண்ணாடி போலிருந்தது.
அவள் போராட்டத்தில் தோல்வி அடைந்தால்.அவளை வென்ற கண்ணீர் துளி அக்கண்ணாடியை உடைத்தது. குளத்தின் நாலு பக்கமும் அலையாய் பாய்ந்தது.

A teardrop nestled in the corner of her eyes, threatening to spill out of her full, sad eyes. Walking through the school road, her mind wandered across memory's treacherous paths. Careful not to let anyone see her tear-filled eyes, she fixed her gaze on to the road. The road was filled with children - laughing, gossiping, teasing- in groups. Their sight and sounds stung her deep wound of loneliness. She walked faster, as though, to out-walk her pain. Aimless, she walked on, with no destination in her troubled mind, just following her tiring legs. She battled her tears.

She found herself standing at the lake near the school. Her subconscious mind had brought her to one of their favorite rendezvous spots. Not a bird chirruped or a leaf rustled in the trees nearby. The lake looked like a giant mirror in the breeze-less evening. Memories came flooding back- those naughty pranks, those peals of laughter, those meaningful silences. They tormented her. She could feel them choking her.

And then she lost her battle. The victorious teardrop fought its way out of its ocular prison and flew down to the lake, shattering the mirror, and rushing in waves to infinity.

I miss walking...

2010-01-24T08:42:00.002-08:00

I miss walking..

Back when I was around eight or ten, we used to have this family ritual of going for a walk after dinner. Back then, we were living in Karaikal, a quaint little coastal town and our home was only half a km from the waterfront. The soft gentle sea breeze which whistled through the swaying conifers and rustling neems lining the road in front of my house still brings a smile of pleasure when I think of it. Since we were living inside my fathers company quarters, traffic on the road was non-existent.In fact, it was a private road, if I may.

So every night, after dinner, while my mother cleared up and washed the dishes, my dad, sister and me would put on our bata chappals(the sandal colored ones if u know wat i mean ) and step out into the cool evenig air and begin our walk across the small stretch of road we called home. To and fro, we would go, with the soothing breeze on our face and the satisfaction of a tasty meal on our tongue, walking the walk, talking the talk. Typically, my sister would be in full flow, recounting in glorious detail every step she took in school, every word her teachers said, while my father listened attentively, his hands behind his back, his ears cocked ever so slightly to her side.

And there I would be , on the other side, half my mind processing this steady stream of information, but the other half just wandering here and there, and all this while, my hands moving involuntarily bowling an imaginary yorker or spanking a scorching drive through the covers. And it is in these walks, that I feel I learnt more than in any classroom. It is on these walks that I learnt from my father questions ranging from space travel to relativity, from the color of sunlight to the appreciation of a poem. I have learnt more from those discussions with my father and sister on everything under the sun ( or rather the moon ) than anything I ve learnt in any classroom ( though to be fair, I haven't really tried the latter ;) ). But more than all, I learn about the joy of walking.. I learnt about the warmth of togetherness...
And after a while, my father would fetch me inside to see what was keeping my mother so long. And when she too joins us, her work for the day done, we walk together, cocooned in the warmth of togetherness.

I miss walking...

Life in black and white...

2010-01-24T08:42:00.001-08:00

I remember, back when i was a kid, thinking that life in previous generations used to be in black and white. I swear, I believed that. I could just imagine people walking about, talking , going to school, raising families, everything- but in black and white. Maybe it was all those black and white movies of yesteyears or maybe it was those black and white photographs of my parents and grandparents back in their childhood- whatever it was, it had me sold good on the idea. Even now, sometimes when i am in a nostalgic mood, when i am thinking fondly of old memories, I like trying to imagine those times in black and white- a greyscaled footage of snapshots in slowmotion. Somehow, it all seems simpler, happier, and more heartwarming .. try it :)

What's under your eyelids?!

2010-01-24T08:41:00.001-08:00

The mind is a fickle thing! Have you ever tried just lying down with your eyes closed and try to see?? Sounds absurd?! What I mean is have u tried seeing whats at the back of your eyelids?! havent?! try it ! it can be pretty fun and a bit disorienting. But dont worry, sanity is just an eyelid away :)

Looking back...and forward...

2010-01-24T07:43:00.000-08:00

Am back again..staring at the familiar screen of the blog's new post window, which still looks ( astonishingly, considering today's fast changing world) so similar to the screen that stared at me when i first got this urge to blog some five years back..
and i wonder.. how things have changed, how much i have grown..or how much i haven't...

And i think of all the journeys that I have been on ... and i mean not just the ones on which i traveled places. I think of all those dreams left behind, those ideals compromised, those heights gained and those lows reached. I think of all those people who I ve met on this journey, a few who are still close in heart and body..so many, oh so many who lie buried in the deepest recesses of my memory, biding their time, waiting for those flashes of deja vu to resurface them, albeit fleetingly into consciousness, a sweet reminder of days gone by, greyscaled footage of memories which seems to surprise you with their clarity and detail.

I like thinking about the good times I had.. somehow they seem better every passing year. As though the fun and smiles are like wine, growing better and settling down as the years fly by. I only wish I could just sit back with nary a thought in my head in an easy chair like the one grandfather used to recline in after lunch ( a charukasera, in malayalam, a simple elegant but immensely comfortable piece of furniture ) and just stare at the bright blue sky and lose myself in golden memories, and let my mind wander by itself to wherever it chooses. Ah! bliss.. But I guess, such peace of mind is a long way off, something to be earned, not dreamt wistfully off..But till that day, I will dream on..

Drunk...

2009-11-03T05:28:00.001-08:00

I like drunk people. People who can hold their drink i mean. Not the ones who go around smashing things on a high or end up throwing up all over the place. I like those who, after knocking back a couple of hard ones, get this peaceful look on their face and become great fun to chat with. I know people who find it so hard to express themselves in their sober state, become masters of eloquence when drunk, and I love listening to them when they do. The dialted pupils, the dazed happy expression on their faces, the smug grin, the overflowing camedarie make normal people abnormal, adds a dash of colour to their charachters, who are ptherwise black and white in the cartoon of life. A kind-of peaceful pallor descends on them, and I wonder whther they experience more happiness than I ever can in my sober state?!

the could-have-beens...

2009-11-03T05:07:00.000-08:00

Chances.
A mistake.
Guilt.
Regret.
The could-have-beens.
Irritation.
The dead feeling at the pit of the stomach.

Life has this funny way of making you look back at it and wonder how things would have turned out "if-only" somethings had turned out the way they could have, would have,...should have.
And it doesnt stop with that. The mind wanders, like a leaf caught in a rainstorm. It flies in to the darkest recesses of the memory and brings back memories- sad, painful, guilt-ridden. And it starts to question whther all those things in ur life which rather not have happened would have hapened if its previous such twist of fate had not happened?!
And it has this way of knocking surprises down ur path. Just when u think its all smooth sailing and u are cruising along lifes highway with the top down basking in the sun, u feel the sharp cold tingle of a raindrop on ur skin. And before you know it, its pouring down heavily and the roof is stuck and cant be closed.
And the chill in your bones more real and much more stronger than the warmth ever was.

Moments...

2008-06-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

No beginning. No end. As far as the eye can see, the road stretches on, right from the first faltering footstep to the final helpless collapse, we move on, oblivious to the chirruping birds on the wayside or the sweet fragrance of a dew-drenched rose. The path of life may twist and turn, but for the weary traveler, there is only one way – forward. He prods on, eyes set on avoiding the thorns here, the potholes there, but in doing so, his eyes miss the fast receding image of his origin, and his mind, whatever hazy notion he had of his destination. Till, some day, resting his weary legs in an ever-so-short moment of rest that he allows himself, his eyes catch a glimpse of something so remarkably simple yet exquisitely beautiful that for a moment, just a special beautiful moment, everything else is forgotten – he road, the thorns, the aching muscles – and all tat is left is moment of beauty , so transient and feeble, yet frozen for eternity. Heart filled with a feeling, too rich and strong to be reduced to words, he lifts his eyes and perceives the world around him in a different light. Where once he saw the dusty road stretching on, now his eyes seek out a horizon, beyond which he senses intriguing possibilities; where once he saw just travelers and path, now he sees the sky, the stars and the sun. Where once he ‘looked’, now he ‘saw’; where once he ‘walked’ now he ‘Lived’.

It is indeed these special moments that give a sense of purpose to all our lives. Each and every action of every human being ( and maybe animals too) is aimed at attaining our perception of happiness – an emotion whose definition is both fundamental and complex at the same time. Every deed – be it “good” or “bad” of ours is aimed at this. Even the so-called social sins – greed, gluttony, lust – aren’t all these aimed at happiness, however short term it may be?? but it is this eternal quest which stretches on till the last moment of our lives, clouding our vision of a lager, more fundamental purpose? Are we being blinded by our insatiable needs and end up missing the real reason behind the question of why we were given the consciousness to comprehend these very same questions? Does the path of life actually stretch on eternally or if not, what is, in fact, waiting for us beyond the horizon, even though, given our physical limitations we might never reach it? Well, I think that maybe, just the fact that we are gifted with the vision to perceive the horizons, means that we are also blessed with untapped reserves of mental prowess to comprehend what might lie beyond it, and it is this realization ,maybe that actually is the real destination-the end of the road. All I am sure of is that traveling doesn’t not make a journey but reaching somewhere does!(contrary to the popular saying i am afraid ;) )

In each of our lives, there are moments, like that of the traveler’s, in which we rise above the mundane reality of our drab existence and perceive a moment of such awe-inspiring beauty that it leaves us breathless, and fills in our heart the conviction, that we are, indeed, a small but integral part of an infinitely large cosmic puzzle. Moments like these may be few and far between, and come from anywhere- be it the sudden inspiration of an idea, the silent pride of an deserved triumph, the quiet joy of a kind deed, the elegant beauty of nature’s creations or even just a loving word from a beloved – but when they come, they leave an imprint that transcends our senses and gives us a glimpse of a realm, higher than ourselves.

back to being clueless and showing it ;) !!

2008-04-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

“The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!”
- Calvin
classic quote from a classic character!! But again,how many of us have ever stopped to think such seemingly ludicrous but fundamentally simple questions??Where in the freeway of life have we got the time to let the top down,shift into low gear and cruise, enjoying the soft rustle of the wind through your hair, as your lips humm a long forgotten tune of childhood from the deepest recesses of the memeory?? we all kno tat this is true and its wrong - but then again, what can we do about it?? though it may provide good fuel for rhetoric, isnt it true tat you dont slow down on a freeway, tat is unless u want to be crushed under the mammoth truck tat was breathing down ur neck just behind u! Though all of us talk about following ous dreams, putting heart over head and so many other cliches, how many of us have it in us to implement them??With a shrug and a sigh, we tend to take shelter under the convenient excuse-"its not practicable"! or maybe its not an excuse, tats the truth. We live in a world where conformity is the name of the game and we seem to be doing fine with that-if only for our instinctive nature to always feel tat the grass is greener on the other side.This brings us to the single question tat each of us have pondered on, over and over again, in different points of our life - does happiness coming from striving for ur dream or being contended with ur lot? But whatever we choose,(or the society makes us choose)the sad part is tat we might still wonder whether it was the right choice ;)

A poem....

2007-09-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

The Lighthouse

Like a sandy beach, pristine,
The mind stretches on...
Many a footprint left behind,
From the crowd that thronged it;
Many a castle built of sand,
Testimony to the day's antics;
But slowly.,it begins to rouse,
From its slumber, the ocean of time,
The tide grows high as the waves kiss,
The shore it had so dearly missed.
So overwhelming, their passion that,
The footprints they erase,
The castles they demolish;
Its foamy fury unleashed
That someone dared spoil
The virgin beauty it held its own.
And leave behind, it does,
A beach almost as good as new.
But try as they may, they just cant
Fell the lighthouse that stands tall
Facing nonchalantly the wrath and fury.
Roaring they rush, and crashing they fall,
The mighty ocean humbled,
By just a few pieces of brick and mortar.
And thus it stands for all eternity,
Casting its beam, into the darkness of time,
Illuminating the past,Lighting the future...

B.Amal

A short story i wrote...

2007-08-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

--------------------------------------"Destiny"-----------------------------------

The damp, stale, prison air felt cold. The frigid stone floor bit into his flesh, as if mocking the flimsy, thin mattress that was provided as an apparent defence against the cold. A few bleak rays of light from the warden’s room down the corridor struggled against the engulfing darkness and cast malevolent shadows on the walls. Though the ancient clock outside the cell proclaimed midday, not a single ray of warmth and sunshine penetrated the all-pervading gloom of the cell.
As the clock struck 12 melancholy beats, he woke up slowly from the dazed stupor that had come to account for most of his time and scoured the pockets of his flimsy, torn pants. Withdrawing a piece of scrap paper and a stub of pencil he crossed out one more line from a series of them. Five more- he thought, five more hours until oblivion, five more hours until justice is served, five more hours till he was hanged, five more hours until he was free-for ever. He felt an odd feeling of detachment as memories of his past flashed through his mind like snapshots from an album- a wasted childhood, turbulent teens and frustrated middle age. But through it all, the memory of the shining smile of his wife and the happy moments spent together pierced his heart with a yearning so strong that he felt like tearing his chest out. Even now he was sure she was petitioning the Governor for a pardon which he was certain would not come, for he knew that he fully deserved what he got. The dead silence of the prison was punctuated only with the steady tick-tack of the clock as it moved counting down the seconds till another soul returned to its maker. The mechanical sound had a cruel tone to it and he felt a wave of grief, helplessness, panic and nausea overwhelm him. Taking deep breaths, he recollected his pledge to spend his final moments without fuss and meet his fate with composure. The swarm of thoughts swirling inside his head was interrupted by the chime of the clock, as one more hour of his life ebbed away. The startling noise finally destroyed what ever resistance he had and he broke down, sobbing like a child. Even the walls seemed to mock at him, as it reflected back his wails in endless echoes that loosened him further, till he lay back exhausted and drawn-out. Presently, he got up. Looking down at himself, he wondered at his transformation from a proud composed man to a weak terrified child. Walking over to the sparse, chipped sink in the corner of his room he doused himself with the frigid water. Looking into the cracked mirror, he felt a sudden idea and even before his very eyes he saw a glint of certainty enter his blood shot eyes. Pausing as if far a last glance, he smashed his fist into the mirror.

He felt a sense of detached calm as he spent the next few hours, recounting the few happy and the many painful memories that marked his life. Finally, he heard the shuffle of footsteps upon the corridor, which he knew to the executioners – a sound his ears were straining to pickup for quite some time. And then with a calmness that surprised even him, he picked a fragment of the broken mirror and slashed his wrist deeply with it. Even as he watched the blood gushing out in a torrent, the door opened. The sight of the smiling face of his wife and the pardon in her hands was the last thing that he saw before the darkness of Death engulfed him.

Destiny rewritten...

2007-06-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder...is there any such thing as destiny...or fate?Is our life one set predetermined course of events or is it this mind boggling whole matrix of parallel universes through which we travel through in space and time, each one representative of wat our lives might be..acccording to the choices tat we make. And then again, i think- maybe i ll never know the truth...maybe i was never meant to, maybe i ll never need to. i guess this is a question tat each one of us has to look deep inside us and retrospect-cos the answer is just this...it can be wat u want it to be. Personally, i like to think tat each of the innumerable miniscule decisions tat we take most involuantirily contribute to me as i am today. It gives me a sense of comfort, a sense of control...and most importantly a sense of purpose to life!. But then again events happen which cause me to question the very beleifs which i hold close...events tat make me realise how fragile our existenxe really is, how inconsiquential human life really is..but even here..as always..there are two paths to follow..one to resign oneself by taking refuge in the convenient excuse of fate or to strive to rewrite the destiny tat semms etched in stone. and i, for one beleive tat even stone etchings can be erased, destinies rewritten..i may be wrong but to me all tat maters is tat i beleive in it, and tat makes it truer to me than anything hard evidence may prove...who knows just by trusting my beleifs , right here, right now, i ve steered myself and by reading this, urself, to a wonderful parallel universe whose possibilities are endless and where hope springs eternal..and i am sure tat we are there right now :):):)

Foray into an unknown dimension....

2007-05-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi guys... i look to bloggin as a creative outlet in the quest to make out a semblence of sense out of the chaotic anarchy of life...hope this helps...