The trouble with dreams...

Its been just one day into the 30 day challenge, but I am already enjoying it immensely. Got in touch with Ay, AMC, J, AC, An and a senior whom I havent spoken to in four years ( i know that is slightly more than one, but who cares! ). And the best part is, he got in touch with me after reading about the challenge :) Today was great...there's something about catching up with old friends that seems to just life your spirits up.. which takes you to that special warm place where snapshots of the days gone by and the fun you had seem to swim in front of you for a while..its a strange but great feeling..Is it just me or do memories seem to be stored in the mind mostly in the form of pictures? Maybe its the overkill of pictures everywhere thanks to the digital camera, but when I look back at my past now, it seems to flash in my minds eye in the form of pictures, snapshots of life, love, laughter and tears. And the harder I think about it, the more they seem to fly about in a choreographed slideshow of frozen action scenes...The mind sure is a weird and wonderful thing...

I ve always wondered at its intricacies.. like, for instance, the way it concocts this elaborate and intricate web of reality and fools itself into believing in its validity when we dream.. The mental picture of one part of the brain (responsible for engineering this remarkable deception) rolling around in laughter watching the other part trying to make sense and survive in the illusion that it created is both wacky, and deeply disturbing.

And another thing about dreams... ever wondered how tat alarm bell or shake or fall that woke u up got so intricately and seamlessly woven into the plot of the dream? Classical dream theorists such as Nolan would suggest that its just the sub conscious adjusting to external stimuli but what if the explanation is not tat simple? What if, our mind actually can work backward in time while creating its version of reality? What if, the whole dream started with the stimuli that woke you up and worked backwards into the story in reverse time? Is there any reason that the unidirectional nature of time followed by the physical world should be extended into the metaphysical? Maybe that is the reason why the story seems so smooth..so continuous.. And if by a huge stretch of imagination, we could in fact assume that this is true, what great ramifications this could have in our understanding or realisation of our ignorance in the way our mind processes information and constructs solutions? Could this ability to engineer a version of reality be harnessed to affect some tangible physical process? There are no end to these questions.. its the answers that are hard to come by... What do you think?

Maybe its the pitter patter of the rain outside my window or the increasingly complex dreams that I have been having, but my mind is abuzz with many more ramblings but I guess I better stop for now... cos I know when I close my laptop and sink into my inviting bed, a whole new world awaits me... and its an intellectual and creative adventure which I am loving :)

P.S: Thanks An, for all the motivation and quite undeserved praise. I was both flattered and shamed into posting today by you :D

the 30 day challenge

Keeping with my routine of eating, sleeping, cracked.com, web comics, watching tv shows and a little of cooking and cleaning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself on my fav site after a long long time - ted.com. Found this great idea on TED.. do check it out http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html . The simplicity of the whole idea struck me. Take something u always wanted to do and challenge yourself to do it for 30 days. Simple as that. It can be as small as reading the newspaper everyday or blogging everyday or as big as volunteering at a local NGO or learning a new instrument. It can be both an experiment of your will power and an exercise for it. Also, you get to have great fun and at the end of it, can look back in satisfaction :) tat got me thinking.. I am never gonna be as vetti (free) as I am right now..so y not? Being the procrastinator I am ( right M ?) , I decided to start off light.. Heres the plan so far:

1. Get in touch with one old( or relatively new) friend everyday.

2. Nah.. dont wanna jinx this one.. but its big.. hope I do well enough to tell u i did it after 30 days :)

so wats your plan?

Scary?Exciting?

Lately , I have been vegetating(for want of a better word) in this state of languorous idleness. I feel like I am floating in this stupor of domestic comfort, curling up in the warmth of the last days of vacation before I embark on what's going to be the single biggest adventure of my young life. The last few years have been a roller coaster ride and I must say I have come out with a smile at the end of it, although the stomach still churns at the twists and turns. And as I stand now and look at myself, I cant help but feel that this is it... this is the prime of my life.. i am never gonna be as healthy, as energetic, as sharp and as driven as I am right now, right here...and that, my friends, is a scary thought, dont u think? to think that you've reaching the point in life, which for most people, is the defining edge, the junction where we have all these numerous roads branching out and the weighty decision of choosing among them hanging over us. And (again for most of us ), its that one road that will matter more than anything else you might do in your lives. All those childhood beliefs that we can be what we wanna be and anything is possible - this is it. In all likelihood, you will be doing what you choose to do now, for the rest of your life. Its this single decision that will most probably define your lives, your future, the people you will meet and the experiences that you will have. Scary? Indeed. But exciting? Yes.

And as I choose my road and brush the dust off my shoes and get ready to move on, I hope I will one day look back at this decision and reminisce at the wonderful journey that it had brought me on. On the other hand, as A says, maybe its about making the journey that you choose wonderful rather than mulling over it too much at the junction. Anyway, its great to be here... to be young.. to be strong.. to be driven..to be alive..and kicking :)

its time..

As my four and half eventful years at Allahabad as an undergraduate student draw to a close, I cant help but let the mind wander at the events and people, which and who have profoundly affected me and changed me into what I am today. This one goes out to each of you.. This is not an attempt at viewing my life here through rose-tinted glasses while riding the sentimental wave which seems to be gushing around me in these last few days... This is a honest recap or recollection - a diary keeping, i might say, of the past four and half years for my own remembrance in the years to come.. So if you are just here for browsing my blog, please skip ahead, this one might get a bit boring and self indulgent.. and ya, you might not like wat you read here.. yeah.. this one’s not for you, its for me..

The seven people who have had the biggest impact on my life here (in no particular order) :

1. Jegan : By far, my closest friend here..and the person who knows me best here.. we've had our moments, ups and downs, fights and makeups, arguments and discussions, its all been there... i ll be honest.. there have been times when I felt you werent thr for me at some critical moments, but apart from these exceptions, you have been a friend I could count on... second yr comb study sessions, the copter tournaments, the discussions about life and love, the time u got chickenpox, the cricket sessions, your relationships, your frequent visits to your fav place, the horror movies, the knock at 4 am tat night, the 2.5 men and himym sessions, the delhi trip, your anger management therapy, meeting tat gay couple on the train, your obsession for eggs - so many memories.. you made life so much easier for me da.and am thankful for that.. u're of the very few ppl i am confident that I will still be in touch 5-10 yrs down the lane...

2.Vishnu : I guess you are the person I am most indebted to here in this coll.. You opened your doors and welcomed me at a very diff time for me when I could not get a room when I came back from the medical break in first year.. And although your smoking drove me nuts and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why you were wasting your skills and talents, I have to admit that I learnt so much from you and you made a difficult transition a lot easier for me... and thanks for introducing me to malayalam music man.. its a love affair which is still going strong..The philosophy discussions, the music sessions, the pothu kada trips.. I wish I had been a better friend man.. I wish I could have influenced you more than I did.. but anyway, I hope wherever you are now, you do well.. and thanks da.. thanks a lot..

3. Mitesh : Admittedly among all the people in this list, you are the person I have interacted least with and spent the minimum amount of time with.. but theres something about you which I could really connect to at a level which I have not been able to with all the others.. your frank innocence, your amazing sincerity in what you do..your patience, these have all amazed me.. but again, i think you are sometimes too easy going, sometimes u let people take advantage of you.. but you have been one of the most interesting people I have met in this college and its been a real pleasure working with you on the many projects - the manpur trip, the scheider projects, the ge edison challenge, TTH, Enter DA and so many such ones.. and ya, u think way too high of me.. u really need to get some perspective man.. its been an honor and pleasure knowing you..keep writing.. don’t ever let the poet in you die..

4. Sharan : We've blown hot and cold so many times I 've stopped counting.. once again, am deeply indebted to you for making tat critical transition when I lost an year so much easier.. there have been times when I felt left out, when I felt deserted even, but I guess that was as much my fault as yours.. but more than anything, thanks for being this awesome listener and caring friend.. you have this tendency to repel people away by using your remarkable capacity for pjs and irritating talks and mannerisms as a shield.. but once ppl break tat shield, they get to c the real u and i guess i am one of the vey few ppl in this coll who got tat far.. i just wish u cud let your guard down more with others too.. the EA cricket sessions are just unforgettable da.,. cant believe we used to get so damn worked up and serious about 2 rs or 5 rs.. lol.. those were just amazing.. and the verbal disputes and arguments.. it was fun being with u da! you ve been having an amazing run of bad luck the last few years and i am deeply sorry for wat u have had to go through, and I also deeply respect you for the way u've handled things.. u'r a special guy da!

5. Ashish Sethi : Through my four years, I have been close to many people.. and many more times than I am proud of, I have been disappointed that my judgment about them had come out wrong.. you are one person where I was amazingly right when I thought you were gonna be a true friend.. frankly, I've been pissed at you a couple of times man.. when inexplicably you had stood behind wat u thought was right.. but the usool jokes aside, this is one of the things which I respect most in you - the ability and self confidence to stand by what u believe in.. something I very sorely lack..And the fact that despite all that, you had the heart to mend things immediately after those small misunderstandings even though most of the time it was my fault speaks volumes.. you are simple, straight forward and sincere in your friendship - and that is such a refreshing change.. you are one of the people I ve gotten closest to in this college.. and will remain closest to.. one person with whom I had the freedom to drop by any time of the day or night and have a chat with when i was feeling down.. I just love the way you keep ur room door open almost all the time man.. tat really means a lot :)

6. Anshul MP : An unforgettable character.. although I don’t know you as closely as I would have liked to, mainly because of your of-so-busy-life, you have been a big part of my college experience.. Although people rave about your creative talents, the thing about you that I respect and admire most is not tat! Granted, you are one of the most creative guys around, but there are others equally creative or even a bit more.. But wat i admire most in you is your work ethic - the way you go about implementing your creative ideas and urges.. Thats one thing I wish i could learn from you.. Despite all the "tharki" jokes, I do agree that you draw the line where it should be drawn. Forgive my insinuations, cos my condition is different from yours and I keep forgetting that my lines are not yours. I have clicked creatively with you. You understand my ideas better than anyone else, and you ve always been supportive and motivating. In a place which I found remarkably devoid of creative breadth, you were a refreshing example of creative depth.

7.Paonta : Time and again, I thought I had you figured and time and again, I have been wrong. Inscrutable is the word that pops to my mind.. whatever be it, you were the person because of whom I entered into the circle of friends many of whom I am closest to today, and I can never thank you enough for that. Although we have drifted apart slowly the past year, you have been a great influence on my life here for the past two years. You are exceedingly sharp and it was both a challenge and a pleasure studying with you especially in third year.. you are one of a kind!

It has been a journey of heartbreaks and triumphs, disappointments and exultations, joy and sorrow, all rolled into one. But looking back, some defining moments of my college experience would have to be :

1. My proudest moment : Winning the best director and best actor award in culrav 2k6...battling against odds to host the first english play ever in the history of mnnit.. and winning the prize beyond all expectations.. the standing ovation i received after the climax performance would undoubtedly remain one of the most cherished memories of my life.

2. My darkest hour : March 2k7, back at chennai ..Knowing that I might never get to see my friends at coll and tell them a proper goodbye..

3. Happiest moments : the gre experience, the onmobile one, the UCI admit, the UCSD admit, Sethi getting placed, the naini trip, my first goal for mnnit, the shimla trip, so many..

4. Most regretted moment : Taking the high road and backing out of the football captaincy issue back in third year and losing it out because of politics..

I guess the time has come to call it a day.. thank you guys... Its been one hell of a ride.. and its been a honor and pleasure travelling with you all..

lost...

What have u come to be?! where once there was a bright eyed youngster with dreams, hopes and aspirations, now all i see is an empty shell of a human being whose dull eyes seem to hold nothing more than the vacant stare of a man who has no goal to aspire for. Where once conviction, purpose and ideals rang deep and sound in tat voice and speech, all i hear now are hollow words, the echoes resounding in the emptiness the words vainly strive to veil.

How long has it been since u did, anything that would have raised an appreciative brow from a fellow human being, from the few people who seem to look up to u, who still think that u are worth more to this world that a piece of stone or a glass of water. How long has it been that you have let those creative juices flow, did something worthwhile which could have withstood critical review as something notable which millions of others in the world could not have created ?

How long has it been that u have dared to look within yourself, too afraid to see what you might find? how long has it been that u have done something , purely for pleasure, either for your own or for someone elses, untainted by worry, just u and the deed and the feeling of satisfaction or pleasure that u had so loved?

Football doesnt seem to be what it once was, and u , no longer the player u once were. I seem to have hit a creative roadblock - be it in Football, or writing? how long has it been that the "idea" has been brewing in ur mind, entrapped in your vicious laziness, for want of a better word, slowly decaying in the sepulchural gloom of your swampy mind?

u seem to have gone wrong along the way.. gone terribly wrong. u now are beginning to no longer be able to trust the choices that u make, the principles u once thought u might have had? u are lost...and lonely... and sad...

its been a while...

Its been a while... a while, since many things.. a while since i ve felt the adrenaline rush of a victory hard fought, a while since I ve laughed till my sides hurt, a while since I ve felt the pangs of grief so deep that I feel the leaden weight that settles on the soul.. a while since I ve seen, heard or felt something so beautiful that it seems to touch a part of me deeper than I knew existed.. and more importantly, its been a while.. a while, since I truly felt inspired, a while since I truly felt alive..it sure has been a while..

The past few weeks have flowed by in a lazy stupor of comfort and languidness. I miss the cold touch of the wall against my back, the rush of pride in rising up to a challenge, the sweetly sour taste of tears of joy. I miss the dull ache of my legs after a grueling football match, the sight of the bulging net after I score. I miss the thrill of setting foot on unexplored territory, the joy in meeting new people. I miss the creative fulfillment of writing, the fun of film-making; I miss the power of new ideas, the strength of old ones; I miss him, I miss her, I miss you.

These days were fun, a cosy interlude in a confused life. But today I feel, the confusion is what makes me who I am, the motley of interests are what keeps me alive. Albeit a little confused, but alive.

Its time. Its time.. to wake up.

Letter to the Me, ten years down the lane

Ten years down the line, when I read this post, I want myself to be able to say "yes" to each one of these:

I should :
1. Still be in shape. Not even a hint of a belly!
2.Still be playing football regularly.
3.Travelling to a new country once every two years.
4.Taking a trip every two months.
5.Keeping at least one day per week for doing something I love, other than my work.
6.Be involved in socially responsible activities.
7.Still be blogging/writing regularly.
8.Still be in touch with old school and college friends.
9.Should have done scuba diving at least once.
10.Should have gone on a safri in Africa.
11.Should have done skydiving at least once.
12.Be taking up football coaching at least at school or community level.
13.Be settled in India.
14.Should have riden a motorcycle at more than 300 kmph.
15.Should be reading at least one book per month for pleasure.
16.Should ensure my children learn at least four to five languages( if i have them by then and they can learn by then :P ).
17.Should have seen a Bengal tiger in close quarters in the jungle at least once.
18.Should have camped a night in the depths of the jungle.
19.Should be active in wildlife photography.
20.Should still be taking steps rather than a lift to the office.